Although I am sure
That it should not have.
There was something in the air, perhaps,
That made me feel like running through the crisp
Wet grass,
Smelling the dampness from the
Recent rain,
Hanging in the air,
Waiting to be discovered.
And there:
Do you smell it?
It smells like a pure world
And a new day.
And that there:
Do you hear THAT?
Like a symphony of golden
Trumpets, announcing the
Sunshine, as if it were
A grand king.
The birds sing for him,
Because he is their
Master, and his golden fingers
Stroke their colorful feathers
As he rises,
Pushing the gentle moon
And her shadows
Far away.
They cannot penetrate
His radiance,
And wait until night
To be free.
There, tell me that you feel that!
The soft velvet of
Flower petals
A little wet from
Refreshing rain.
The grass under your
Feet, you must feel
That, too,
Tickling your toes
And reaching
For your ankles.
It feels like
Something
That I can't put my
Finger on...
Something that I think
Must be joy.
And even though
You know that
You shouldn't really
Be tasting anything
On account of
You haven't put anything in your mouth,
If you try hard enough
You'll find a taste
That you haven't noticed
Before.
It tastes like happiness,
Like hope, like love.
Couldn't you taste it?
Better than the best food
In the world!
Now close your eyes
And look.
Don't bother to tell me
That this is impossible.
Just try, and you will see.
Can you see
The summer air?
See the colors of the
Bird song?
See the dew upon
The grass and the
Tall, brick buildings
Stretching for the sky
Above.
Can you see
Happiness?
Hear happiness?
Feel happiness?
Smell happiness?
Taste happiness?
I can.
btw, this is ttly NOT my best poem. So if you don't like it, say so! I honestly couldn't care less. I just really want HONEST FEEDBACK!!!! Because that's the whole point, right? So go for it, totally say what you really feel. I won't come after you for it. Probably.
9 comments:
Dang.I'm reading this over and over and over,Sarah,and I can't help but thinking,"If this is her BAD work,imagine what her GOOD work is like,"
It makes me feel kinda deppressed.
But,anywhos,I like all the imagery.It kinda. . .makes the whole poem what it is.
Good job!
ha sofiya luv ur icon!!!
Thanks.It's Elphie and Glinda.They're like,my home dogs.
xD
This poem is cliche. I don't like it. Anyways, a title would be "Happiness."
Thank you, for being honest at least. Lol.
Whoa now Heba. I think this poem is far from being cliche. A cliche is a tired/overused expression. I also think that you need to check yourself. This is not a place to break down without offering something constructive. What do you find cliche? What doesn't work?
Sarah...I don't see it as being at all cliche. I like the imagery...very descriptive which lends itself to developing your theme. My advice is to cut this poem down. Eliminate 50% of the words. Pare it down to about 15 lines.
Also...take a look at those images. I think what Heba might be saying is that they could be pushed a bit further. Try taking the golden trumpets and birds singing and be a bit more descriptive. Maybe make the birds more descriptive. Maybe find a better verb. Play with the words and images.
But hey...I enjoyed this.
How exactly is it "cliche"?
It's cliche because every teenager is writing something similar to this. I mean the theme: Hapiness, and how you can feel it and stuff like that. This is nothing new. How about you spice it up? I'm sure you could do that. How about a mix? Nothing too depressing or too happy. I'd like to see a poem like that.
--Not a teen yet--
I get what you're saying, Heba, but I still don't see how "every teenager is writing similar to this". I mean...I made it up, right? But I do think that I'll take your advice and write another one, one with a mix. And I think I'll try to cut this one down, like Joel said.
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