Stuck inside an endless black, not sure where I am. Others see my quiet side, when I rarely say a thing.
Awkward, shy, silent, still, yet a hurricane describes my soul.
Inside of me wages a war, a struggle which seems centuries old. A struggle that has more at stake than any simple kingdom. Which side will win-the outside-or the innner that shines with a heavenly light?
If I dared I would speak out, but always the outside wins. I remain silent for most of the time, afraid of nothing more than someone the same as me. I wish I could talk and smile and laugh, but always the outside wins.
So for now that side that I wish them to see is trapped and imprisoned in an endless black.
Maybe someday the war will stop, and the inner side that shines with a heavenly light will shine so bright and be so warm that afraid I will not be.
I'll talk and smile and laugh, joke and twirl and be myself, not care what anyone thinks.
Because finally the outside, the masquerade, lost the war and fell. Beaten, cowed, exhausted, the outside disappeared.
Does this poem make any sense, is it overly dramatic? Should I add more to it?
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3 comments:
You know what, I love the word masquerade. That words sticks out of this poem. I like cowed also.
The poem certainly makes sense, and kind of captures the internal struggle many of us go through from time to time.
I don't know what writing group you are in, but I know Franklin's group was talking about raising the stakes of your language. I love "endless black" and the aforementioned words, but can you find stronger verbs and figurative language for "stormy inside" and "wages a war, so big and bloody and fierce". Try to get concrete descriptions. Bloody means something completely different to every person, as does stormy. How specific can you be?
I changed it a bit. Is it better?
Hannah...I like the stretching of the description. Question...what does the word "war" mean to you? That noun is kind of vague. Do you know any synonyms that would crisp it up a bit?
I see that the word appears three times in the poem. Try to vary the word choice.
It's an introspective piece of writing, and I love what you've done so far. But the revising and editing process is where a poem takes flight.
(Want another challenge? Cut 25% of the words in the poem. You pick 'em, lol.)
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