The penetrating sound of broken glass set Sabri's heart beating wildly. A blood-curdling scream permeated the thick silence that followed. Sabri stood completely still and was instantly wracked with an agonizing paroxysm of pain. Her cries pierced the darkness. "Why are you here?" a harsh voice called out. "You know the laws! Your kind is supposed to stay in that fancy school of yours while we starve in the streets." She looked at the ground; she did indeed know the laws.
"But...but," Sabri stumbled, "You don't know what they do to us there! It's torture!"
The man spat at her feet and took a step closer. "If you know what's good for you, you'll leave and never come back."
She panicked and staggered backwards, quickly turning to sprint back to the school, knowing she could never leave again. Her chance at escape was forever lost.
So, this is the opening to a book I'm working on called Half Blood (working title). Sabri is a vampire. Figured I should get that out there, before you get too confused. So here's the 2 questions I was wondering:
1. Does the dialogue sound too forced or too cliche?
2. Does this make you want to read more?
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5 comments:
That's a really good beginning! The dialog sounds just right and it makes me want to read more. I hope you write more about it!
it makes me want to read more, but... what does paroxysm mean? i seem to have left my dictionary at home...
I really want to read more. Could you send me a website or somnewhere where you get your prompts?
I love it Jen! Is there more yet?
Paroxysm: any sudden, violent outburst; a fit of violent action or emotion. Thank you Dictionary dot com! This was inspired by the morning reading Meredith did last week. I don't really use prompt sites, I jsut write whatever random thought happens to pop into my head. Yeah, there's more, but this is the best part so far. The rest of it is unedited as of yet.
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